


old age flesh

by mooningsammy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, No Smut, Pain, Plot Twist, Torture, angel grace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 03:16:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooningsammy/pseuds/mooningsammy
Summary: The dreams were one thing, but the pain that accompanied them was another. And why were they so vague?Sam just wanted answers, answers he couldn't find. Who was this angel he was dreaming about and why didn't he remember its name?





	old age flesh

**Author's Note:**

> my new friend helped with the title. Kel, THANK YOU (:
> 
> A list of Archangels for this work:  
> Michael  
> Lucifer  
> Raphael  
> Gabriel  
> Raziel  
> Castiel  
> Sammael (Samuel)

Sammael was tall, taller than many of his brothers, with wings as dark as the night, six of them, and a tail to match, that had three ends and came to points. He’d never hurt his family with them, never dreamt of it, but many feared him for how he looked. They weren’t black, but dark, dark blue, and the rest of his form was pure white, whiter even than Michael’s wings. He always felt too big, and hunched in on himself when he was around others.

He always knew he was different. Everyone always knew that Sammael, the littlest of them all, the youngest, was different. So his brothers kept him a secret. Gabriel was kind to him, as was Lucifer, and Raziel. Michael didn’t trust him--was wary of him--, and Raphael flat out despised him.

Castiel was his favorite. That was why he was different—he had favorites. He made choices, ignored the rules, asked too many questions. Castiel and Gabriel loved to answer them, Lucifer encouraged him to be himself, to make decisions based on his feelings instead of his duty.

Lucifer told their Father that Sammael would be the best of them. That he would teach them things nobody knew. He loved Sammael.

Raziel was kind, but mysterious. Sammael couldn’t complain, as Raziel was the angel of mysteries. But he taught Sammael many things, and they spoke about the things they saw, the futures they saw.

Gabriel was sweet, helpful. Forgiving.

Castiel was faithful and loyal, never letting him hurt when his other brothers didn’t understand him. Castiel worked with the Seraphim, and was forbidden by Michael to speak of their youngest archangel.

Father didn’t know, as he had other things to worry about.

Sammael was the angel of death. He thought he understood why better than anyone.

He often carried people the last leg of the journey; never remembered but not quite forgotten. Sometimes it was painful, especially when it came to humans, humans who he loved more than anything, except for his Father, for his brothers.

“Sammael?”

“Hello Castiel. Are you here to bring me home?”

“Michael sent me. It’s Lucifer. He has Fallen.”

Sammael felt something inside him break. “He has… _what_?”

“Our brother has Fallen, Sammael.”

There was no way to accept what had happened. Lucifer was one of Sammael’s favorites, how could he Fall?

+

After Lucifer’s Fall, Sammael knew it was only a matter of time before he lost everything as well. It didn’t make sense, not really, but he knew it as well as he knew his own name.

He spoke to his Father.

“Sammael, you have duties, do you not? Why do you spend so much time with someone as boring as I?” His eyes were full of mirth when he looked at Sammael.

“My duties are complete for this century, Father. And You do not bore me. But I have come to speak with You about something that’s coming. I can feel it, something is going to happen, something that cannot be stopped.”

Father looked up from his book, to study Sammael. “Are you sure?” He looked hurt. “This isn’t because of Lucifer?” The name pained Him, but Sammael appreciated his Father’s understanding of the loss he felt, because it reflected back onto Him.

“A series of events has been set in motion of which only Raziel has foreseen.”

“Have you spoken to your brother about this?”

“No Father. He already knows. I thought You should be warned.”

+

Raphael took him during the calm hours of the dawn not long after their Father left Heaven. Sammael did not fight him, he couldn’t.

“You are different, little one. And that difference caused our brother to Fall and our Father to leave! It is time you payed for what was lost.”

Raphael attacked with his grace, shredding and ripping at Sammael, the angel of death, who couldn’t move, couldn’t feel anything but the pain. He felt Raphael’s grace inside him, ripping him apart. Nobody ever even _spoke_ about things like this, it was so Forbidden in Heaven. He screamed.

Raphael didn’t rip out Sammael’s grace. However, he _did_ tear out each of his wings one by one until there was nothing left but a mess of bleeding wounds, and gouged out his eyes for good measure. Well, the ones on his face. The others he left alone.

Castiel was the one who found him broken and bleeding. “S-Sammael?” He asked softly.

He choked out a sob and Castiel’s name.

Castiel screamed for Raziel, Gabriel, Michael, somebody!

All three of them came at Castiel’s call, but Michael surprised them when he went to Sammael’s side. “Little brother, what happened to you?”

But Sammael couldn’t answer.

Michael took him far from Heaven. “I will make sure that you are safe, little brother. Whoever did this to you will pay.” Michael cradled him, and touched a hand to his forehead. “I’m just going to see who hurt you, okay?”

“No!” Sammael cried. “M-Michael, it, it was g-g-going to h-happen. I foresaw it.”

+

Samuel Winchester shot up in his bed from a nightmare, with an ache in his back and a sharp pain in his skull.

“Sam?” Jess asked, reaching out a hand. He ignored her for a moment. “Sam?”

“Jess, I’m fine, go back to sleep.”

He stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water, but had to lean against the counter when the headache worsened. He passed out.

+

Michael was whispering soft words to him. “I’m going to fix it, Sammael. I’m going to give you a human life.”

“M-my grace?” He asked, because he didn’t want to lose it for good.

“It’s very damaged, Sammael. Can I keep it safe for you? I swear to our Father that I will give it back when the time comes.”

Sammael agreed.

+

“Sammy?”

“De?” He mumbled, avoiding movement.

“What’s wrong buddy?”

It had been awhile since Sam had had the dreams, or felt the pain. “Everything hurts.”

“Okay, Sammy, it’s okay.” He sat down beside Sam on the bed, carding his fingers through his hair. “What was it?”

“I was… tortured. In this dream.” His voice dropped down to a whisper. “I can still feel it.”

Dean’s breath caught in his throat. “Sammy? Who tortured you?”

“I’m not… I can’t remember.”

+

_“Samuel Winchester. The boy with the demon blood.”_

Sam felt his heart break.

“I’m a seraphim.”

“No you aren’t,” Sam said, even though he wasn’t sure where it came from.

Castiel looked at him, confused. “What did you say?”

“You’re one of the seven archangels…,” He said softly. Even Dean looked at him like he was crazy.

“Sam, there were only four?”

“No, there were more,” Sam said. “Michael, Lucifer, Raphael—“ he stuttered over that name “—Gabriel, Raziel, Castiel… and…”

Cas moved closer, grabbing his face and looking him in the eye. Whatever he found didn’t satisfy him, but it made him back away. “Maybe once, a long time ago. But things are different now.”

+

“I’m trying to understand,” Cas said, after Dean fell asleep. “How did you know?”

Sam looked at him. “I’m not sure… I have these dreams, or I used to. It’s been awhile. But, I remember that you were an archangel. I can’t remember the seventh.”

“My little brother. We do not speak his name.”

+

Anabiel, or Anna, as they knew her, was studying him. “You seem familiar.”

Sam shook his head. “I’m not sure why you think so.”

She moved closer. He did not move.

“Samuel. Sam—“

“Anna!” Castiel appeared, placing a hand on Sam’s arm. “Don’t. That name is forbidden.”

She studied him. “I’m sorry. It’s just, he’s like him.”

+

Sammael remembered when he was very young, just a fledgeling, and Castiel took him for a walk. Anabiel came with them, asking many questions about Father and the other archangels. She didn’t know that Sammael was one himself, as he wasn’t old enough.

She was nice. Headstrong. Castiel liked working with her.

+

Sam stared at the Trickster. “I know you,” He said. And he did. The creature against the wall froze, looking Sam in the eye.

The Trickster was gone before Sam could say anything else.

“Sam, you don’t know him,” Dean said. “He’s a Trickster.”

“No, Dean, I know him.”

When they came across him again, with the tv and the trap, Sam figured it out. “Gabriel, stop this, please.”

The archangel was so surprised that the illusion fell. “How did you do that?”

“Yeah, Sam, how?” He hated that Dean was suspicious, but he shrugged. “Do you remember those dreams? The awful ones where—“

“Of course I do,” Dean said, eyes softening. He was the one who always cared for Sam when he had the dreams, massaging his head and his back until the pain was less acute and Sam could fall asleep again. Dean was the only one who knew the extent of all the torture that took place in the dreams.

“Gabriel has golden wings. Four of them.”

“You dream about angels?” Gabriel asked, skeptical. He also looked… afraid.

Sam didn’t mention dreaming he was _one of_ _them_. Not even to Dean. “Yes. But I don’t understand. Nobody wants to talk about the fact that there are more than four.”

Gabriel froze, face falling. “How much do you know?”

“A lot, I guess, more than anyone I’ve ever met. But I can’t remember the name of the seventh.”

Gabriel grabbed his face, much like Castiel had. Speaking of Cas…

“Will you bring Castiel back now?” He asked when the angel let him go.

He snapped his fingers and Cas appeared. “Gabriel?”

“Little brother.”

Dean slid closer to Sam, resting a hand on the back of his neck. “Are you okay, Sammy?”

“The more I put these dreams together, the more it hurts,” he explained, leaning closer. “And I think someone is pulling the strings on all this, but it isn’t Michael.”

Dean nodded. “Who?”

“His name is Raphael. He is the third Archangel, older than Gabriel. He was the healing angel.”

“He’s not doing much healing,” Dean pointed out.

“No, he’s not.”

+

Sam knelt in the motel, taking the time alone, while Dean went with Cas, to pray. “Michael, I’m praying to you. Something is terribly wrong and I can’t figure it out. But whatever is really going on, I know that Raphael is the cause of it…”

“You don’t have any proof,” a new voice said, and there a man stood.

“I know, you have no reason to believe me. But you’re the oldest archangel, you’re not a tool. Two of you brothers are trying to stop the apocalypse with me. Dean will not say yes to you. Lucifer is out and the end is coming. But it doesn’t have to be this way.”

Michael studied him. “This form, your brother, your little brother Adam. I know that Dean will not say Yes, but this form will do.”

“Is he dead?”

“Yes, he is in Heaven .”

“Tell him I’m sorry we couldn’t save him.”

Michael nodded.

“Why isn’t Castiel an archangel?”

Michael paused. “How did you know that?”

“I know their names… except for the seventh.”

Michael moved closer, kneeling in front of Sam. “Who are you, Sam Winchester?”

He couldn’t answer.

“Who do you think is causing this?”

“After Lucifer Fell and God left, Raphael was different. I know he did something, but…”

Michael lifted a hand. “Can I look?” After a moment, Sam nodded, and Michael reached out to touch his forehead.

+

The pain was worse than anything he had ever endured, the things Raphael’s grace did to him were unspeakable, terrible things. He would never tell. He couldn’t.

He cried out, but he knew Raphael was making sure that nothing would escape this room, not even a sound. It was a relief when Raphael finally stepped away. “I’ll return.”

+

Michael gasped, pulling away. “It’s you. I know you.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t understand what is happening to me.”

He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. But you will know the truth when the time comes. You will have to let Lucifer in. I will not fight you.” He placed his hands on Sam’s shoulders. “I’m so sorry that happened to you, little one. Everything will work out.”

+

The torture went on for a week on Earth. In Heaven, well, time passed differently. The others were busy, so they didn’t know that Sammael was missing. How long it went on, he wasn’t sure, but finally, _finally,_ Castiel wandered into the chamber. “S-Sammael?”

+

Sam sat up in bed, shivering. He prayed. “Castiel? Are you busy?”

“Hello Sam.”

He looked up at the angel. “I had a dream. It’s been so long, I didn’t know I still would. I remember the seventh archangel now. Didn’t you say his name was forbidden?”

Cas nodded. He looked troubled. “When he… Fell… I felt it more _acutely_ than the others, more even than Gabriel. And Michael, he surprised us when he said that we had to keep his memory clean by never telling. Most angels believe he was killed in battle. When they learned he was an archangel, he was mourned, because he was so special.”

Sam wished he could hug Castiel, and had the urge to wrap a tail—a _tail?_ —around him. “I’m really sorry. You must have loved him.”

“More than anything.”

+

Lucifer was right there. Sam knew he was dreaming, but Lucifer was right there, and he wasn’t even afraid.

“Most people shudder in my presence.”

“You weren’t always like this. Do you even know what happened to your brothers after your Fall?”

Lucifer grew curious, Sam could see it. “Sammy, I have six brothers, and none of them are alike—“

“Raphael attacked your little brother. He Fell not long after you. They do not speak his name.”

“What?” Lucifer’s face was hurt, more hurt than you might expect from Satan. “Sammael Fell?”

“He was tortured beyond repair and he had to Fall to be safe.” Sam rolled his shoulders and hunched in on himself, frowning when Lucifer sat down.

“It’s because of me,” he said, softly. “When I was cast out for what I did.”

Sam nodded. “Yeah, Raphael took it out on him. It didn't help when He left, though.”

+

“Sammy did what?”

Sam sighed, watching Castiel and Michael explain to his big brother that Satan was now living in his body. They could not see him, but he was there.

“He said yes to Lucifer. We still don’t know what happened after, because he’s hiding from us.” Michael’s wings shifted, a tell that he was waiting for something.

Something came in the form of a massive headache that had Lucifer and Sam crumbling to their knees. It was Michael alone who heard their cry and searched for them.

“Oh brother,” he said, kneeling beside them. “I think it’s time.”

Lucifer shook. “I don’t want to fight, Michael.”

“Not for that. We can’t fight now. But for something else.”

+

Sammael was in pain, too much pain, his cries were more like screams. Where was Castiel, or Gabriel? Was Michael nearby?

_“Brother?”_

_“Michael,”_ he sobbed.

_“I know it hurts, Little One. Search for Lucifer.”_

Sammael obeyed, and trembled at what he found. Lucifer was there.

_“Sammael,”_ he breathed. _“You’re alive.”_

_“Lucifer,”_ he whimpered. _“You’re okay.”_

_“And you’re not. Raphael should pay for what he’s done.”_

_“This isn’t about revenge.”_

Sammael cried out when Lucifer left his body with the promise to see him again.

Something small, glass, and cool was pressed into his hands, and he heard voices. “Open it, Sam,” Michael said.

“What is that?” Dean asked. “What did you do to him?”

“De…,” Sam muttered.

“I’m right here, Sammy. It’s okay, buddy.”

He could feel the grace vibrating, he uncapped it.

+

Sammael was alone in a room of white. “Hello, child,” He said, and Sammael wept.

“Father.”

“You are injured, my child.” God touched his face and the pain left, but the memories grew stronger, and He sighed. “You warned me, Sammael. And I didn’t help you. You deserve better from me. Ask for something.”

“I want to stay with Dean.”

He looked surprised. “That is all?”

“Father, call them home, don’t let them ruin Your creation for Heaven’s hurt.”

After a moment, he shivered. “But I want them to visit. Any of them, except…”

His Father bowed his head. “It will be. And you can visit, whenever you choose, My son.”

+

“Sammy!” Dean was shaking him. “Sam?”

He shivered and then he was still. “Dean.”

“They all just vanished.”

“Because I asked God to call them home.” He was half cradled in Dean’s lap. He wrapped his tail around Dean’s ankle.

“What the--”

“Dean, we have to talk.”

“No, you need to rest.” Dean rubbed his shoulders and he let out a soft moan. He felt like he’d been tortured all over again, but he knew it was muscle memory. He still expected pain.

“Dean, Dean, Dean, hold on, because I gotta--I need to tell you something.”

“Is it bad?”

“No, but you’re never going to look at me the same again.” Sam pushed himself up, grimacing with the effort. “Before I was me--and I _am_ just me--I was an archangel.”

Dean blinked at him. “Snot-nosed Sammy… was an archangel?”

“I was the youngest, and after Lucifer Fell, and God left, Raphael had it out for me. He blamed me, said that I put ideas into their heads and ruined the family. He is the one who tortured me. Castiel was my favorite brother. He still is, next to you--”

“I’m your favorite?” Dean asked. He sounded surprised.

Sam huffed. “Yes, but please let me finish. Castiel has always been curious. And he was the one who found me and called for help. Michael took me from Heaven to keep me safe and kept my grace safe with him until the time was right.”

Dean slowly nodded his head up and down. “And now… you have it back? Why aren’t you with the rest of them?”

“I’m an archangel, Dean, but I’m still just… Sam Winchester. And the most important thing to me is my big brother. I wanted to stay with you.”

Dean’s expression never wavered. It was steady, staring at Sam. But his eyes--Father, those eyes--were so _full_. “What is your name?”

Sam smiled, and his tail tightened on Dean’s ankle. “My name is Sammael, and I’m the angel of death.”

“Sam, _what is that_?”

“My tail. I think it likes you.”

“You have a _tail_?”

Sam nodded. “I have six wings.”

“Six… you can fly now.”

“I know it’s a lot to process. But, you’re kind of stuck with me.”

Dean looked into his eyes, and Sam kinda felt like Dean was looking at his grace, even though he couldn’t possibly. “Sam, you are _not_ a burden to me, okay? I want you with me; I’m thrilled you picked me, okay?”

“Sammy, you do believe me, don’t you?”

Sam blinked at him, and then smiled, full and bright. “You know why I picked you, don’t you? I have a multitude of brothers. But I only have one Dean. It’s you specifically”

Dean pressed forward, sliding hands up Sam’s back, massaging his spine as he pulled him into a hug. “Sammy, baby boy, sometimes you say stuff like that and I just wanna kiss you until I fall apart.”

Sam couldn’t help but press his lips to Dean’s neck. “Why haven’t you, then?”

+

“So, Castiel was your favorite?”

“Castiel, and then Lucifer, followed by Gabriel and Raziel. But when R-Raphael tortured me, it was Michael who knew the safest way to stop him. When Lucifer fell, Raphael blamed me. I was always different.” Sam chuckled. “Even human, I knew I wasn’t the same.”

“Sammy, different doesn’t mean bad.”

He smiled at Dean, because it was true, Sammael had never been bad. He was he angel of Death, not destruction. Death himself had a hand in Sammael’s Creation. “I understand that now. Anyway, Cas always looked out for me, like you. I really favored him, we had a bond unlike any other. If we had been human, we probably would have been like you and me.”

“So you want it to be that way?”

Sam chewed his lip. “Not at the risk of losing you. I love Castiel, I admit it. It’s just, I don’t know how to live without you. I mean, I remember what I was like after you went to Hell. Losing you… does very bad things to me.”

“I didn’t ask that, Sammy. I asked if you wanted Cas.”

“Dean, I’m already getting more than I deserve—“

“Sammy, it’s a yes or no question. I’m not gonna get upset, just tell me.”

“Okay, okay. Yes, I want Cas. I always have, but I need you.”

“So you can have us both, Sam. I really don’t think either one of us will mind sharing you with the other.”

+

Sam was pretty confused about the fact that Dean was okay “sharing” him with Castiel, but he did know for sure that Dean was being honest, and so he was trying to understand why on his way to Heaven.

Did Dean like Cas? He considered him almost family, Sam knew that, but was it more than that?

“Sammael,” Castiel greeted him, smiling.

Sam hugged him. “Castiel.”

“It was not the same without you. You will visit?”

“Yes. Father said that you can visit me any time you want to, as well.”

“If you want me to—“

“Of course I want you to visit. I really missed you.” Sam stepped back enough, looking closely at Castiel. “You know, don’t you, Castiel? That I love you?”

He looked confused. “But you love Dean.”

Sam nodded. “I love you both. Castiel, you’re very important to me.”

Cas held on tighter. “Sammael, what did… I remember how you looked when I found you… What did Raphael do to you?”

Sammael flinched at the sound of his brother’s name. “You can look. It’s okay, Castiel, you can look.”

He lowered his head, and Castiel gave him a sad look before lifting his hand to rest his thumb on Sam’s forehead.

+

Sammael could hear his own cries, and no matter what he did, he could not stop them from slipping through his teeth.

He knew it was just a memory, but he felt helpless, and he was laying all that out for Castiel to gaze at.

“ _Oh_ , Sam.” Castiel brushed his grace along Sam in all his favorite places, gently, so gently. “I am sorry.”

“I’m okay, now,” Sam told him.

“Are you? You may have been healed, but what you went through…”

Sammael reached out to Castiel, tentative. “Even when I was human, the nightmares plagued me.”

They locked hands, just watching each other.

“What happens now, Sammael? Won’t Dean be waiting for you?”

“He is. I just want to make sure I’m not going to lose you before I head back down.”

“You’re not going to lose me, little brother. I could maybe join you down on Earth some time.”

“Please,” Sam said, and he meant it.

+

Sam had trouble remembering the last time he’d felt so complete. He realized, of course, that his missing grace was a big reason he’d always felt wrong, just a little off. It was nice to have some form of explanation. It was nice to know that he wasn’t mad. That his dreams were never dreams, but memories all along, even if they weren’t good ones.

He had Dean, his whole world, his soulmate and savior, his True North. He had Castiel, his Archangel, his gracemate and guide. He had faith and he wasn’t afraid, for the first time in a very _long_ time.

He carried out both of his jobs consistently, delivering those worthy the last leg of their journey to Heaven, hunting monsters and saving people with Dean and Cas.

Most importantly, Sam was loved. He felt _loved_. And wasn’t that what mattered?


End file.
